Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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