clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
