First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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