I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
