you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
