in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
