3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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