Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
