thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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