I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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