Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
