i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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