I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
