I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
