I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
