dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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