Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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