he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
