Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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