You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
