i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
