I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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