i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
