Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
