Screwed.edu
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
