so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
