Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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