i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
