Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
