Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
