It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
