Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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