i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
