I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
3 2 1 whiskey
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
