I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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