I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i love accidental penises.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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