He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
