What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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