You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
