I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
