I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
