i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
