GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
