so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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