Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
