I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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