Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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