Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
