My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
