Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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