Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
