Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
