It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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