let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
